Well, where should I start?
Normally, the beginning is a very good starting point. But, what happens when you can’t really place when you first had an idea or believed in something?
I’ve been trying to trace when, exactly, I have started to think about Lucifer in a different way than that shoved down my throat in school, at home and even society at large. But, to this very moment I can’t place that defining moment in my life.
My earliest memory of Him is when I was a child of less than 8 years, with my teachers and parents telling me that I should never let Satan (or Shaitan, as he’s called in Islam; yes, I was born into a Muslim household) control my life. That I should fear him. That I should pray to God to protect me from him and guide me throughout my life. That Satan is evil, purely evil. Though, even at that young age, I couldn’t bring myself to fear or hate Him. I don’t know why! Of course I was intimidated; after all, He’s a very powerful being, and a mysterious one at that. Oh, I feared demons, jinn’s and all these monsters that children fear, but not Him. Maybe because I’ve never thought of Him as a monster or someone who seeks to hurt others without cause.
I started to ask questions about Him; what was his real name before the fall? Wasn’t he slightly justified in rejecting the order from God to kneel before Adam (at that age I didn’t know any other mythology but that in the Quran)? Isn’t it strange that God didn’t simply destroy Him when he disobeyed? Why would he guide Adam and Eve to the Tree of Life (in Quran it’s the Tree of life not knowledge, it gave immortality to those who eat from its fruit)? It can’t simply be out of spite! etc. Needless to say; I got no satisfying answers from any and was told it’s a ‘sin’ to ask such questions!
My second memory is maybe a bit more important. One day when I was 13, I entered a bookshop and encountered two books, Milton’s Paradise Lost and Dante’s Inferno (both where translated into Arabic) and then I discovered something new, almost sinful and delicious in its surprise to my childish mind; I’m not alone in thinking Lucifer a noble figure, or at least something more than others make Him to be. I knew a name for Him that I could utter without feeling that I’m insulting Him.
Yet, this was not the moment I shifted my believe to Him. He was my Hero but not my God. I still thought of Allah as my God and Father! Though, I never could pray to him, and in the few instances I tried, under the insistence of my family, I felt such despair. I felt like there was a tiny black hole in the core of my being that sucked my soul; I got depressed utterly. So, I stopped trying altogether. I even stopped thinking about God altogether. But no rejection yet of that ideal.
The next stage came when I was around 15 and I came to know the opinion of my supposed religion on the matters of women’s rights and homosexuality (yes, I’m lesbian). I’ve always felt that I don’t belong to that creed, and now, that was the moment I became sure of it. Why would I even try to belong to and appease a God who rejects those who he created?! The proverbial straw came though when I was 17 and I started to question my existence and that of the whole of humanity. The misery of so many disadvantaged people. The famines and catastrophes that plague the world. What’s the logic behind all this? At that time, I disavowed the existence of any god altogether. I became a professed atheist.
There was one problem though, this was never my way; though I’ve rejected God at an early age, I’ve always been spiritual. So, I started exploring other faiths and paths; Christianity, Wicca, Neo-paganism, Druidry, Buddhism… and of course, there was always in the back of my mind this shinning being; Lucifer. He was always there, his lore continued to fascinate me throughout all these stages. Sometimes I regarded Him as simply an idea; a symbol for knowledge and truth, and even a little bit of pride 😉 The Light-bearer!
At other times though, I believed in Him as real entity! I thought of calling to Him, but I felt undeserving and unsure; why would he answer me? Why bother with me? And how would I know that I haven’t lost my mind if he actually answered? And how to go about calling him in the first place?!
I started to write about Him in my poetry and journals; always the Prince who lost his rightful place; always the King of this World. I started giving him my devotion (he had always had my respect and love); started drawing strength from merely his name! And he came to represent ‘strength in the face of adversity’ to me. I don’t claim that I’ve ever had any contact with Him. Neither through dreams or any other medium. But, now, all I know is that He is my God.
So, maybe this was the start. That moment when I stopped the charade of being someone different than my true self. The moment when I started to understand that despite everything there’s a harmony in nature and the universe. The moment I believed that though life is miserable, I still can live it with grace; and I learned that lesson from Him.
So, now, my true journey starts; to know all that I can know about Lucifer, and maybe afterwards I’ll have the courage to call out to Him. Maybe He’ll answer me then!
I’ve been following an amazing blog lately (http://omourningstar.wordpress.com/) and in one of it’s latest post, Sulphur Blue, it’s author, recommended me some books about His lore and the lore of the angels in general (you can see the post here: http://omourningstar.wordpress.com/2013/07/30/be-not-afeard/) I intend to get cracking and actually re-read those I’ve read in the past and discover the new ones. The next posts will be about them mainly, what each book might elicit in my heart.
I apologize for the length of this post; I just needed to examine where Lucifer appeared first in my life in one go. I also apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes; I’m sure you figured by now that I’m not native 😀